Saturday, August 1, 2009

Coming Unglued

As the Great American Philosopher Ron White (OK, he's a comedian) once said: "You can't fix stupid."

Here's what I did this morning. It's all true--

Yesterday, I went out to the pest control shop to find something to kill the flying buggies I've got in the house. They aren't houseflies, aren't mosquitoes, but some sort of little winged gnat. The pest control people wanted to sell me... pesticides--duh. I told them I didn't want to do that because (A) they're bad for the environment (B) they're toxic and (C) I might die. The white powder stuff was labeled "mildly toxic," whatever that means. It's like "mildly pregnant," I think.

So I tried to explain in broken Spanish that I wanted the long sticky strips you hang up from the ceiling and flies, attracted to the smell, stick to it (flypaper). Try explaining that one in Spanish! Anyway, I finally got through to them what I wanted. "Oh, yes...we have exactly what you're looking for." Sure enough, it was flypaper. Four small cylinders. You break off the top and pull. Out comes a 3-foot long spiraled piece of the stickiest stuff since road tar. "Perfect!" I thought, "that should kill the little bastards!"

So I went home and immediately hung up a strip in the bathroom, as that's where I find most of the critters--in the shower. I cleverly wired up a coat hanger and hung it over the shower head. "Tomorrow morning," I said to myself, "I'll have dozens of 'em who've all met their buggie sweet hereafters."

So, cut to this morning. Early. Before coffee. I get out of bed, get undressed, and stumble naked into the bathroom for a shower. Oops! I forgot the flypaper. Hadn't trapped a one of 'em. Bummer. Of course needed to get rid of the flypaper before the shower. So I c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y removed the coat hanger dealie with the length of flypaper hanging off the end and proceeded cautiously to the plastic-lined wastebasket in the kitchen, holding the long strip in front of me with both hands.

The problem came in when I rounded the corner into the kitchen and....(yep, you're one step ahead of me here)...the flypaper swung back onto me, trapping my own unprotected Naughty Bits. At this point I said a bad word, and then started laughing hysterically.

Only I could do something so STUPID! I'm not going to tell you how I unstuck myself. Needless to say, it was painful. And embarrassing. I threw away the remaining tubes of flypaper. I can't be trusted.